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Click the links è |
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The following are lines extracted from Royal Navy and Marines Officer Fitness Reports. |
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1. His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity. 2. Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead. 3. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn’t watching. 4. I would not breed from this officer. 5. She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them. 6. A prime candidate for natural de-selection. 7. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming. 8. So dense, light bends around him. 9. If brains were taxed, he’d get a rebate. 10. If he were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week. 11. Has a room temperature IQ. 12. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer. 13. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it together. 14. He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction. 15. He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle. 16. This young lady has delusions of adequacy. 17. This medical officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port to port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar. 18. Since my last report he has reached rock bottom and has started to dig. 19. He has the wisdom of youth and the energy of old age. 20. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap. 21. This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
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Mother ? |
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A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him. "Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who just died recently." "I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "is there anything I can do for you?" "Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye, Mother'? It would make me feel so much better." "Sure," answered the young man. As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye, Mother!" As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was £127.50. "How can that be?" He asked, "I only purchased a few things!" "Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.
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Bill Gates |
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The difference between Cars & Computers |
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At a recent computer expo (COMPEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon." In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating (by Mr. Welch himself): If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics: |
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· For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day. · Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car. · Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on. · Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to start, in which case you have to reinstall the engine. · Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT." But then you would have to buy more seats. · Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five per cent of the roads. · The oil, water temperature and alternator lights would be replaced by a single "general car fault" warning light. · New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt. · The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off. · Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grabbed hold of the radio antenna. · GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither needed nor wanted them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become the target of investigation by the Justice Department. · Every time GM would introduce a new model car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car. · You'd press the "Start" button to shut off the engine. |
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The US Navy |
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It is heartening to learn that the spirit of the Titanic lives on in the US Navy, as revealed in this transcription of an exchange with the Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland. |
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Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision. Canadians: Suggest you divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid collision. Americans: This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert your course. Canadians: No, I say again, you divert. Americans: This is the aircraft carrier USS Missouri. We are a very large warship of the US Navy. Divert your course now ! Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
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Henry Kissinger |
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Henry Kissinger, upon seeing the River Jordan for the first time, remarked that it's amazing what good PR can do for a stream ! |
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Baker Street |
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Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. As they lay down for the night, Holmes asked: ”Watson, look up into the sky and tell me what you see.” Watson said: ”I see millions and millions of stars.” Holmes: ”And what does that tell you?” Watson: ”Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?” Holmes: ”Elementary, my dear Watson. Somebody has stolen our tent.”
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Ambush |
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These three Legionnaires are walking through the desert under a baking sun. They're fully equipped with enough water for days and food aplenty. On the shimmering horizon, mirages come and go and come again. They see visions of swimming pools attended by dusky maidens and stalls full of ice creams and sorbets of every conceivable flavour. But the Legionnaires do not crack. Instead they keep marching solidly on. Suddenly one of them freezes. "Psssst," he says. His companions halt and strain their eyes to where the first Legionnaire is pointing. "Le voila," he says, "Regardez, mes amis, isn't zat a bacon tree on ze'orizon?" And sure enough, there it is, proud and defiant in the middle of the desert a true bacon tree. Slowly they creep forward towards the far off mystery object. Inch by inch, centimetre by centimetre, until they are within a stone's throw of the bacon tree. Ever nearer they creep until suddenly a shot rings out, dropping one of the Legionnaires in his tracks. The other Legionnaires hit the ground as bullets thud into the sand all around them. The other two return fire and give first aid to their wounded companion....... Even as they bandage him and pour water over his face they can hear his faint voice. "Zat was no bacon tree," he gasps, "Zat was an 'am bush."
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Tony Blair (remember him ?) |
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Tony Blair was once being shown around a hospital. Towards the end of his visit, he is shown into a ward with a number of people with no obvious signs of injury. He goes to greet the first and the chap replies:
"FAIR fa' your
honest sonsie face,
Tony, somewhat confused, goes to the next patient and greets him. The patient replies:
"Some hae meat, and canna
eat,
The third patient starts rattling off as follows:
"Wee sleekit, cow'rin, tim'rous beastie, O, what a panic's in thy breastie! Thou need na start awa sae hasty, Wi bickering brattle!, I wad be laith to rin an chase thee, Wi murdering pattle!".
Tony turns to the doctor accompanying him and asks, "What sort of ward is this, is it a mental ward?" "No," replies the doctor, "It's the Burns unit."
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First man on the Moon |
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When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind" statement but followed it by several remarks and the usual com traffic between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control. Just before he re-entered the lander, however, he made the enigmatic remark "Good luck Mr. Gorsky." Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs. Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "Good luck Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, But Armstrong always just smiled. On July 5, 1995 in Tampa Bay, FL, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question. When he was a kid, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit a fly ball which landed outside his neighbour’s bedroom window. His neighbours were Mr. & Mrs. Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky, "Oral sex! You want oral sex?! You'll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"
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Room for one more |
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Many years ago when I was working for International Computers, I went to the Irish Republic for several weeks to carry out some installation work at a fairly remote location near the west coast. The company put me up in the local pub which though small, was very comfortable. About a week after I had arrived I was woken up at one in the morning by some sort of commotion in the road outside the pub. I eventually got out of bed and undid the window and leant out. Just below my window I saw an old-fashioned horse-drawn hearse parked, and some undertakers loading a coffin into the back. The driver could have been somebody straight out of a Hammer film, with his black frock coat and top hat with black ribbons down his back. Hearing the window click he looked up and smiled at me. I just stared back in amazement. Then he lifted his hand and beckoned to me. “Room for one more, sir” he called out, still smiling at me. This sent a shiver down my spine so I quickly pulled back and closed the window. Next morning, not wanting to make a fool out of myself, I said nothing, but just carried on as though nothing had happened. Eventually I finished the job and returned to England, and didn’t gave the matter another thought. A few weeks ago I was in the States visiting a customer in a high rise office block in Los Angeles. The lifts in this building were not very fast and I waited ages on the 14th floor for one to come. Eventually a lift arrived and the doors opened but it was packed, so I stepped back a pace to wait for the next one. The man standing by the lift buttons called out to me - “room for one more, sir”. I glanced up and saw his smiling face - it was the same man I had seen that night all those years earlier riding the hearse in Ireland. I froze and mumbled something incoherent. The lift doors seemed to take an age to close, and I was conscious of everyone staring at me. Finally they did shut and the lift departed, and I heaved a sigh of relief. A few seconds later there was a loud crack, followed by screams coming up from the lift shaft. The cable had broken and the lift had plummeted to the ground. By the time I arrived at the basement, police and ambulances were already there and there was little I could do. An on-looker told me that everyone on board had died.
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